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I was standing on the roof of a friend's loft out in Queens
late the other night, watching the hookers walk the street as
a long line of family cars and minivans snaked back into the
night, when it hit me: it is amazing how
For years now, T-Shirt Hell has been offering our visitors the chance to fill the void between snuff-flick masturbation sessions by writing slogans for our shirts. To sweeten the pot, we've offered to supplement the money you make from blood donations with $200 if your slogan is used. After years of submissions, the experiment has finally yielded some fruit: it's clear now that you're all talentless, unoriginal idiots.
As I stood on the roof, dropping pennies on the hookers and blaring my police siren, I thought about the 40,000 or so of nearly 200,000 submissions I've read through recently and realized that I had only approved about 300 of them for review by our all-Jewish panel of editors. Since it's so difficult to convene the panel, with all of their world-finance-controlling, I felt bad for a moment - maybe I'm not giving them enough to work with. Maybe I'm just too critical? Maybe I need to let love into my heart, just as many of you welcome gigantic purple dildos into your assholes?
But then, standing on the edge of the roof and watching the moonlight play off the gentle arc of urine I was releasing onto the crackwhores below, it occurred to me that it's not my fault. I might even be too generous (although the world's homeless might disagree). The 300 or so ideas I approved (about .125%) were just about the only ones that did not include one of the following constructs or ideas:
"[Officer/Ocifur], take me [drunk/stoned], I'm home."
"[Something] Osama Bin Laden [something]"
"I [something] and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."
Your mom or my mom.
"My other [something] is a [something]"
Weak jokes about rape.
"[Something]: the other white meat."
An inside joke between you and your retarded friends.
Clearly plagiarized jokes or articles (how does one fit an article on a shirt?)
Slogans for t-shirts you have seen elsewhere.
Shirts involving blurred text.
"My honor student [somethinged] your [something] student."
"[Someone] is with stupid"
"[See the front of the shirt for some reason] [See the back of the shirt for the same reason]"
"[Something: something, Something: something, Something else: priceless]"
"What would [Someone, usually Jesus] do?"
"I'm a [dangerous profession], if you see me running, try to keep up."
"Got MILF?"
"[Don't talk to my tits/breasts]"
Weak attempts at postmodernism: "'Ironic T-shirt'; 'Funny slogan'"
So here's the thing, folks. We believe in you. We don't know why, since judging from our whores page, you're a bunch of fucking hillbillies. But we really want to see what you've got.
So what say we all give it another shot? You've got twenty examples of what not to do to get $200. So quit trying to blow yourself for half an hour and give us a reason to give you some money! And if I see another fucking joke about my mom, your mom, Osama's mom or anyone else's mom, our team of beatdown submitters will be knocking on your door.
Disclaimer: No hookers were actually pissed on in the making of this document.