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The enormously positive reaction to our new line of hoodies has given us a woody almost as big as the one we got at the zoo. We don't know exactly why you like them so much: it could be how they hide your morbid obesity, or how they facilitate your anonymous-mugging hobby or even the way they fit into your gay-sex-with-Eminem fantasies. But maybe it's something a little bit more meaningful. Maybe, just maybe it's how they hide your accelerating male pattern baldness. In fact, we're willing to bet on it, and that's why we're introducing our new line of T-Shirt Hell Hoods. All of the hood, none of the bulky sweatshirt. Just $29. That's right, we'll do all the work of removing the sweatshirt from your hood, for just $5 more than a regular hoody.
Since most of our customers already own more than a few of these, we recognize that this is a risky business venture, but we're hoping familiarity has made you into true hairnet connoisseurs. Constructed of the finest nylon a very small amount of money can buy, these 'nets can be printed with almost any T-Shirt Hell slogan available. Think about it: next time you're ejaculating into a hot deep-fryer in a 120-degree food-prep area or ejaculating into the ranch dressing in an ice-cold walk-in, why not make a statement? If you need something to set yourself apart from all the other employees who have ejaculated in your restaurants' food products, you know who to cum on. Or, uh, to.
Oh, yeah, we know about you damned hipster fucks. We know all about you. We know you're wearing our most offensive shirts around campus with that condescending smirk. And as soon as you finish your MFA and move to Brooklyn to start your band, we know you'll try to fuck with the tourists by wearing our shirts into Manhattan on your way into your day job at the web design shop. And we know that there's nothing you'd like more in the world than to compliment your $200 looks-like-vintage jeans and rectangular glasses by covering your fauxhauk with an expensive piece-of-shit hat and subtly mocking people who have actually worked a single day in their lives. So here you go. One slogan and one slogan only: "I fucking suck (and I'm not being ironic)."
Shomer fucking Shabbas.