The Ultimate BBQ: Prometheus 8*10 ^14

By Dan Levine and Mike Martone

 

  1. If your home’s burglar alarm trips, the grill’s Home Security System automatically burns your house down, preventing thief from stealing any of your possessions.  Panic trigger button conveniently located between the ignition button and the nitelite.

 

  1. Everybody knows it's impossible to get those thick black restaurant lines on food, so we include this handy black marker free of charge.  Only semi-toxic!

 

  1. Built-in smoker adds mesquite, maple or nicotine

 

  1. Interchangeable tanks:
    1. Jet Fuel: For the griller on the go, (or when you need to cook an entire cow all at once.)
    2. Freon: Low setting lets you chill leftovers meat.  High setting can be used for cryogenic preservation of entire animals for cloning purposes.
    3. Sterno Lite: Our special blend burns at a steady 350 degrees and tastes great, too -two out of three hobos prefer it.
    4. AquaFresh: for the first bratwurst that reduces tartar above the plaque line
    5. Old Spice: keeps grill smelling fresh, and bugs at a distance of 100 yards or more
    6. Hydrogen tank: converts into a fully functioning dirigible that seats 20. Since hydrogen is so much lighter than helium, makes for a great blimp experience (requires lifetime no-smoking agreement required)

 

  1. For those embarrassing days when your fuel tanks run out, special Burn-Rate™ technology allows grill to function tank-free by burning pure US currency (sorry, no change or small bills)

 

  1. Thanks to our team of geneticists, prolonged use of the included special PP-XXX "spice" will make your penis grow an estimated 2 inches in length and 1 inch in girth.

 

  1. After listening carefully to big-game hunter reviews of our last flagship product, we've included special interchangeable rotisserie spits which can accommodate anything from a hamster to an elephant.

 

  1. The Prometheus 8*10 ^14 is  just 3.4 tons light fully assembled.  The included  barge, team of oxen and  fleet of semis make it easy to transport to football games, picnics, even the movies.

 

  1. A supplemental calorimeter and fat monitor ($100) calculates the fat and calorie content of everything you grill, and automatically prints a corresponding cycling regimen.  (This attachment can be shipped pre-broken for an additional $200.)

 

  1. The "Snooze" button holds your meat at a constant temperature for another ten minutes if you aren't ready to eat yet.

 

  1. Ecologically friendly air filter ($1000). Budget-conscious grillers can substitute their own crying Indian ($100).

 

  1. Emergency customer support, assistance and counseling comes courtesy of a direct hotline to Ted Nugent's underground lair. 

 

  1. Clay pigeon hurler. Who cares how overdone your hamburgers got, just chuck them into the sky, for  all your skeet-shooting friends.

  2. The same chemicals used in fireworks allow you to alter the flame to various festive shades.  We suggest green and red for Christmas, blue and White for Yom Kippur, Red and Green for Ramadan.  For paisley, a special LSD mister ($300) is available.

 

  1. It's also a toy - your nephews can play with your grill like it's a toy Transformer! Watch it turn from "Grill-Bot" into "Grill-Bot-Wearing-A-Hat-That-Looks-Like-A-Grill-Lid".

 

  1. Built-in ant farm. Use of grill may impact the ant-farm community, although your friends will surely enjoy the glass souvenirs and your children will learn valuable lessons about the fragility of life and the dangers of fire.

  2. This button sends the grill back in time, allowing fire to be invented by Neanderthals two million years earlier, which would make today's lingerie models 4  inches taller, 25% more hotter, and 32% more out of  your league. Never press this button.

 

  1. Self cleaning attachment can really cut down costs by collecting and reformulating all of your grill’s drippings into an entirely new entrée: our patented CramBurgers!

 

  1. Digital Hindu prayerbook to help you apologize to the gods you just ate.