MERCURY RISING: ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Dan Levine and Yuri Lowenthal
FADE
IN:
EXT.
CRIME SCENE
BRUCE
Why
did you send the SWAT team in to kill those innocent kids? They were only kids! They were kids for god’s sake! KIDS!
JUST KIDS! THEY WERE CHILDREN, I
tell you!
SWAT TEAM SUPERVISOR
The
scene was boring and dragging on. Not
to mention that they were robbing a bank and holding hostages. We’ll send the team in again later if you
don’t do something new for once.
HAROLD BECKER
Sorry,
my fault. I just included this scene to
remind the audience of Bruce’s SUCCESSFUL movies. I won’t do it again.
INT.
BRUCE’S BOSS’ OFFICE
BRUCE’S BOSS
Bruce,
you’ve gone too far this time. You
don’t know how to be a team player.
You’re a cowboy, a-
JOHN MCLAINE
Yippee-kay
yay, motherfucker. Am I fired?
BRUCE’S BOSS
You’re fired.
BRUCE
Fine,
I’ll take your stupid desk job. You can
fire me, but I’m not going to quit.
BRUCE’S BOSS
You’re fired.
BRUCE
Desk
job it is.
BRUCE’S BOSS
Whatever.
EXT.
SCHOOL FOR “SPECIAL” KIDS
CAMRYN MANHEIM
I’m
not fat. I’m big boned.
AUDIENCE
No, you’re pretty fat. Actually, aren’t
you that chick from THE PRACTICE.
The SCENE establishes
that MIKO HUGHES is an autistic puzzle whiz.
This is done in such a way as to make him look RETARDED and MEAN. For some reason, people cannot get him to
pay attention unless they poke themselves in the eyes first. This is TOUCHING. Also, he seems to speak in roughly iambic pentameter.
INT. MIKO HUGHES’s HOUSE – EVENING
MIKO HUGHES solves a
PUZZLE which involves cracking MERCURY - the most sophisticated code ever
created. It is, of course, published in
a CHILDREN’S PUZZLE MAGAZINE.
To demonstrate how
complex the code is, whenever MIKO HUGHES looks at the code, we hear HIGH-TECH
NOISES.
FOLEY ARTIST
HIGH-TECH,
my ass. I recorded some cicadas having
sex.
MIKO HUGHES calls
the top secret phone number encrypted in the PUZZLE and two EXPENDABLE GEEKS
answer the phone. There is no chance of
them surviving this film.
MIKO HUGHES
I
see dead people.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
No,
you don’t.
EXPENDABLE GEEKS
Oh,
shit. He cracked the code. Better call ALEC BALDWIN.
EXT. BANGKOK STREET
- NIGHT
We are introduced to
ALEC BALDWIN in Bangkok. We know it’s
Bangkok because it’s not Chicago. We
know ALEC BALDWIN is the VILLAIN because he is always the VILLAIN.
ALEC BALDWIN
I’m
evil.
AUDIENCE
We
know.
INT. ELEGANT BANGKOK
DINNER – DAY
ALEC BALDWIN is
explaining how great MERCURY is when the EXPENDABLE GEEKS call to explain how
MIKO HUGHES cracked the code. Isn’t it
IRONIC, don’t you think?
ALANIS MORISETTE
Real
fuckin’ funny. I was in DOGMA, you
know. I played GOD.
ALEC BALDWIN
You
ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God.
HAROLD BECKER
(holding up “Malice” DVD)
Uh,
we already used that line the last time we worked together.
ALEC BALDWIN
(raising evil pinky finger to evil mouth)
But
I’m evil… for a good reason. Killing this kid will prevent lots of secret
agents from dying.
Of
course, I only know of one: my IRAQUI SPY FRIEND. But I will refer to him so frequently that you will want him dead
even more than the mean, retarded boy.
Anyway,
you two EXPENDABLE GEEKS are fucked, because now I have to leave sunny Bangkok
to go to Chicago.
Which
reminds me - who the hell sets an action thriller in Chicago?
ENEMY OF THE STATE
Uh….
HAROLD BECKER
Sorry. Just trying to be different.
INT. MIKO HUGHES’
HOUSE - DAY
We are introduced to
MIKO HUGHES’ parents, a kindly, blue collar couple. This is TOUCHING and SYMPATHY-INDUCING. They are immediately slain by KEVIN CONWAY. This is supposed to make the audience hate
him.
AUDIENCE
We
don’t care.
KEVIN CONWAY, super special forces g-man assassin, gets away with it. This is supposed to inspire anger in the audience, both at KEVIN CONWAY and the EVIL U.S. GOVERNMENT.
AUDIENCE
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
INT. CAR – NIGHT
Bruce, having been
demoted due to his borderline psychosis, recklessness and casual disregard for
authority, sits at a stakeout.
BRUCE’S BOSS
Bruce,
due to your borderline psychosis, recklessness and casual disregard for
authority, we’re putting you in charge of the delicate investigation of the
disappearance of a child.
BRUCE
Sure. Does he speak to dead people? I have some experience in that field.
MIKO
HUGHES
Yes?
HALEY
JOEL OSMENT
GODDAMMIT,
NO!
INT. MIKO HUGHES’ HOUSE - DAY
A lengthy police
investigation has unearthed no trace of MIKO HUGHES. BRUCE WILLIS’ special FBI skills enable him to deduce that MIKO
HUGHES is hiding in his closet. The
other cops assigned to the case are all immediately fired
INT. MIKO HUGHES’ BEDROOM - DAY
BRUCE WILLIS rescues
MIKO HUGHES, who throws a fit whenever any STRANGER, including BRUCE WILLIS, approaches
him. This plot device establishes that
MIKO HUGHES is HELPLESS and also that BRUCE WILLIS is at once SELFLESS and
haunted by the deaths of the KIDS earlier on.
BRUCE WILLIS’S CONSCIENCE
SAVE THE CHILDREN!!!
SALLY STRUTHERS
Yes,
save them. Here are some brochures.
This SCENE repeats several times until HAROLD BECKER gets bored with autism and decides to just make shit up.
INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
One of the
EXPENDABLE GEEKS sends BRUCE WILLIS a coded message, which MIKO HUGHES
deciphers. Despite his utter paranoia,
BRUCE WILLIS decides to leave MIKO HUGHES in a coffee shop with a strange woman
he’s never met.
BRUCE WILLIS
Hi,
do you mind if I leave this kid with you?
He’s got a lot of fucking problems.
For one, he’s autistic and terrified of strangers, including me.
Also,
we’re being chased by a whole lot of people.
KIM DICKENS
Oh,
sure.
MIKO HUGHES
Hey,
what’s up?
KIM DICKENS
Uh,
aren’t you autistic? Don’t you freak
out whenever you speak to strangers?
MIKO HUGHES
Come
on, you can’t be autistic, like, 24 hours a day!
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
BRUCE WILLIS and
EXPENDABLE GEEK 1 are walking down the street.
BRUCE WILLIS
What’s
this all about?
EXPENDABLE GEEK 1
Well,
let me tell you quick, because that guy who tried to kill MIKO HUGHES is going
to shoot me real soon. Basically, that
autistic kid can read MERCURY, so my boss wants him dead…
BRUCE WILLIS
No! He’s an innocent kid! Remember how I let those other innocent kids
get killed at the beginning of the movie?
Never again. I love innocent
kids.
EXPENDABLE GEEK 1
Uh,
OK. Well, got to go get shot now…
KEVIN CONWAY
(shooting)
Shooting.
EXPENDABLE GEEK 1
(dying)
Dying…
INT.
EXPENDABLE GEEK 2’s APARTMENT - DAYt
EXPENDABLE GEEK 2
Since
I’m under surveillance, I guess I’ll
type out my TELL-ALL letter on an OLD-FASHIONED TYPEWRITER. That way, I’ll be
able to casually discard some carbon paper which KEVIN CONWAY won’t know to
look for when he inevitably shows up to kill me.
KEVIN CONWAY
Carbon
paper? What carbon paper? Oh, by the way, I shot you. You’re dead.
EXPENDABLE GEEK 2
I
just hope my EXPENDABLE GIRLFRIEND shows up and has the good sense to make a
beeline for the crumpled carbon paper in the trash can. Otherwise this whole plot device is going to
look pretty fucking pathetic.
EXPENDABLE GIRLFRIEND
Got it.
INT. KIM DICKENS’
HOUSE
BRUCE pounds on KIM
DICKENS’ door at 3am.
BRUCE
Let
us in.
KIM
No,
you’re strange. And dangerous. And ranting like a lunatic.
BRUCE
(switching from ACTION BRUCE to ROMANTIC
COMEDY BRUCE)
Ah,
come on.
KIM
Okay.
INT. ALEC BALDWIN’S
MANSION
BRUCE breaks a whole
bunch of ALEC’s stuff.
ALEC, once again,
uses his IRAQUI SPY FRIEND to justify his evilness.
BRUCE breaks some
more shit, has a drink and leaves.
EXT. ROOF OF THE BUILDING USED IN DIE HARD -
NIGHT
A HELICOPTER
approaches, just like in DIE HARD.
Actually, everything in SCENE scene is just like DIE HARD, except
really, really stupid.
ALEC BALDWIN
Give
me the kid, I’m a good guy.
KIM DICKENS
That’s
impossible, you’re ALEC BALDWIN.
ALEC BALDWIN
Good
point. I’ll use my formidable BALDWIN
charms to hyp-mo-tize you. This shit
worked on KIM BASINGER for chrisssakes.
KIM BASINGER
(filing lawsuit)
It’s true. KIM’s find him irresistible.
KIM DICKENS
(swooning)
Here,
take the kid.
MIKO HUGHES
Wait! I don’t like strangers!
ALEC BALDWIN
But
KIM DICKENS was a stranger.
HAROLD BECKER
SHUT
THE FUCK UP, KID!
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!!!
EXT. ROOF – NIGHT
BRUCE and ALEC
fight. KEVIN CONWAY holds off several
hundred SWAT team members until HAROLD BECKER decides to fulfill BRUCE WILLIS’
contract with the GLASS PRODUCERS OF AMERICA.
KEVIN CONWAY drops
his glasses, is hit over the head with a glass vase, then falls through a
stained glass window, breaks a mirror and then turns into a glass sculpture of
himself.
INT. EDITING ROOM – DAY
MIKO HUGHES walks
into the EDITING ROOM and helps BRUCE WILLIS insert ALEC BALDWIN’s head onto
ALAN RICKMAN’s BODY falling off the roof in DIE HARD.
CREDITS
ROLL
Copyright Dan Levine and Yuri Lowenthal 2000
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<center><i><small><small>All work on these pages copyright Dan Levine unless expressly noted otherwise. Please do not reproduce without notification.</small></small></i></center>
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