MAGNOLIA: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Dan Levine and Yuri Lowenthal

INT. PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON’S OFFICE

CASTING AGENT

What kinds of actors do you want to fill these roles?

PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON

The usual GUYS who, like me, have a middle initial or name which will add to my reputation as a wunderkind auteur.

FADE IN:

Various SCENES provide FORESHADOWING of the interconnections between MAGNOLIA’S ensemble cast. Due to its combination of accidental death and NFL-style diagrams, this is the film’s HILARIOUS comedic high point.

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - NIGHT

PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON

TOM CRUISE is in my film despite having only two names. To make up for it, his character FRANK "T.J" MACKIE has four.

TOM CRUISE

I have lots of sex - straight sex, because in real life, I’m straight. I can teach ugly men with smaller penises to also have lots of sex. Straight sex. Did I mention that I am not gay?

UGLY MEN

We don’t care. We are ugly! Our penises are small! Help us. Take our money!

MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS

Help us, so that we do not need to pretend to be sensitive and continue coming to movies like MAGNOLIA and STEEL MAGNOLIAS.

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS

(swooning)

TOM CRUISE is handsome!

INT. JASON ROBARD’S HOUSE – NIGHT

JASON ROBARDS

(wheezing)

I have cancer. I am very sad. I shouldn’t even have to say any more lines. My lengthy career alone entitles me to Best Supporting Actor.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

What?

JASON ROBARDS

(wheezing)

…

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

What?

JASON ROBARDS

(wheezing)

Rosebud.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Did you just say your son’s name was TOM CRUISE? I will find your son for you. I am sure he advertises in pornographic magazines.

PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES

You should call TOM CRUISE.  Here’s his phone number.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

I am very sad. I’m just a boy, asking another boy for TOM CRUISE’S phone number, to reunite him with his father. This is the part in the movie where I make a deeply postmodern and ironic statement about life imitating art when in fact art is imitating art imitating life.

AUDIENCE

PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON is a genius!

THE ACADEMY

OSCARS all around!

TELEMARKETER

Of course I can reach TOM CRUISE at a moment’s notice. I am, after all, a TELEMARKETER.

TOM CRUISE

Although I appear to be playing a role that is identical to every one I’ve played before, I am not actually happy or cocky. My SECRET is safe, so long as no PESKY INTERVIEWER does any background research on any of my ludicrous but readily falsifiable claims.

PESKY INTERVIEWER

I did some background research on your ludicrous but readily falsifiable claims.

TOM CRUISE

Damn it.

PESKY INTERVIEWER

Sorry. Quit staring at me.

TOM CRUISE

No. I am angry because your questions have reminded me of my father JASON ROBARDS, who abandoned TEENAGE ME with my DYING MOTHER, thus forcing me into an easily predictable life where I avoid intense relationships with women. This is why I am not actually happy or cocky and am in fact very sad.

SIGMUND FREUD

(puffing on cigar)

EXACTLY!

INT. BAR – NIGHT

WILLIAM H. MACY

I am very sad. I used to be smart. Now I’m gay and a thief. Does this mean gay people can not be smart and that dumb people turn to crime?

INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE

JULIANNE MOORE

I am very sad. And I am fucking crazy. My frequent use of OBSCENITY should reinforce that point.

AUDIENCE

Okay.

PSYCHIATRIST

You’re not crazy, you are just grieving that your rich fossil of a husband has finally died. Because you were very clearly in love with him.

JULIANNE MOORE

And I thought that I was crazy. Give me some fucking drugs.

PSYCHIATRIST

Sure, why not? You do not seem like a candidate for "accidental" overdose.

EXT. CRIME SCENE – NIGHT

JOHN C. REILLY

I appear to be a good, decent, old-fashioned cop. On the inside, however, I am very sad. I could not pick out the junkie in a room full of priests. And if I could, I would date her. Also, I lost my gun, the extension of my penis, and have therefore been symbolically castrated.

LITTLE BLACK BOY

I’m a minority.

AUDIENCE

What are you doing in this movie? You don’t even have a long name!

LITTLE BLACK BOY

Rapping. Frequently. This is very sad.

LUIS GUZMAN

I, too, am a minority.

PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON

Shit! Where did they come from?

INT. GAME SHOW STUDIO – NIGHT

PHILIP BAKER HALL

Despite also having cancer and also being old, I am not JASON ROBARDS. This illustrates further how connected we all are. Unlike him, I molested my daughter. Like him, I would appreciate a Best Supporting Actor award.

ACADEMY

Done.

JEREMY BLACKMAN

I am very sad. I am a little genius boy whose freakish intellect is being used by my father for fame and fortune and by PHILIP BAKER HALL for ratings.

AUDIENCE

We can tell that this is bad because WILLIAM H. MACY is an adult version of JEREMY BLACKMAN, and he is gay.

TOM CRUISE

I, however, am a heterosexual man. I have sex with Nicole Kidman.

WILLIAM H. MACY

I am in every movie. You can not escape me.

JEREMY BLACKMAN

URINATES in his trousers. This is SAD.

AUDIENCE

With whom shall we empathize? Like JASON ROBARDS, PHILIP BAKER HALL is frail, old and dying, but JEREMY BLACKMAN is covered in URINE and freakishly intelligent.

INT. JASON ROBARD’S HOUSE – NIGHT

TOM CRUISE

(emoting)

I love you daddy… One more OSCAR NOMINATION and maybe they’ll forget that I’m gay.

ACADEMY

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR!

AUDIENCE

You’re still gay.

INT. DRUGSTORE – NIGHT

JULIANNE MOORE

(hands PHARMACIST a laundry list of prescriptions)

I need many drugs.

AUDIENCE

Please, give her drugs.

PHARMACIST

You should not take all of these drugs. They might kill you.

JULIANNE MOORE

I sucked other men’s cocks! Give me my drugs! Who are you to challenge me!

PHARMACIST

Uh, a PHARMACIST. But that’s beside the point. You’re right. Here are some drugs.

JULIANNE MOORE

I love my wheezing, old, cancerous rich HUSBAND!

HEATHERS

I love my dead gay son!

AUDIENCE

WHAT?!

JULIANNE MOORE

Cocks! Drugs! Cocks! Isn’t this BOOGIE NIGHTS?

EXT. JULIANNE MOORE’S CAR - NIGHT

JULIANNE MOORE attempts SUICIDE.