You Might Be a New York City Tourist if...

• You are surprised by streetside defecation.
• You wonder why the cabs without illuminated numbers don't stop for you.
• You think there's a difference between "walk" and "don't walk.
• You consider a 1000 square-foot home "modest."
• You wear bright colors in a non-ironic manner.
• You've worn a fanny pack in public.
• You think Original Famous Ray's is actually original, famous or Ray's.
• You've ever eaten at the Times Square Applebee’s or Olive Garden without the
  threat of imminent castration.
• You think there are actually Italian people in little Italy.
• You've ever asked for directions. Anywhere. To anything.
• You've ever actually been to the Statue of Liberty or up the Empire State Building.
• You ever make eye contact with anyone without malicious intent.
• Seeing a policeman actually puts you at ease.
• The MTA Fun Pass is actually fun to you.
• You wonder where all the women are in Chelsea.
• You fear Hell's Kitchen.
• You consider nine bucks for a beer expensive.
• You've got tickets to Phantom of the Opera.
• Homeless people, breakdancers, street musician or mimes terrify and amaze you.
• You can't believe you got such a great deal on a Kate Spade bag.